how-to-get-the-upper-hand-in-a-business-meeting-with-aikido
29th January 2014Does age matter at work? Part 1 – Can you look too old?
7th February 2014How do I get my colleagues to like me?
Building good relationships is an important part of getting ahead in the workplace. ‘Being a team player’ is often code for ‘people like him/her’ in performance reviews. If you’ve ever gotten a confusing performance review about not connecting with the team, or ‘gelling’ with others – it’s probably because you’re not seen as particularly likable.
For women, in particular, the ‘pettiness’ factor is an unfortunate reality. Women are quick to dislike one another for a host of reasons – most of them based on instinct rather than fact.
So, how do you get someone to like you? It’s a lot about first impressions. Look at the photo above. Does she seem likable at first glance? With no other information, just this photo, most of the people who come to my workshops resoundingly say ‘no’, this woman isn’t likable! Why do we make judgments so quickly?
For women, in particular, the ‘pettiness’ factor is an unfortunate reality. Women are quick to dislike one another for a host of reasons – most of them based on instinct rather than fact.
So, how do you get someone to like you? It’s a lot about first impressions. Look at the photo above. Does she seem likable at first glance? With no other information, just this photo, most of the people who come to my workshops resoundingly say ‘no’, this woman isn’t likable! Why do we make judgments so quickly?
What people notice about you first
When we meet someone, we immediately ‘scan’ them and our caveman brain decides what we think about that person:
1. Is she/he Friendly?
2. Do I think he/she is Intelligent?
3. How Likeable is this person?
4. Does he/she seem Competent?
5. How Trustworthy is she/he?
We make these judgments in a snap – that’s why they’re called thin-slice judgments. And once we form an emotive-based opinion, we then engage our logical brain to come up with ‘valid’ reasons as to why we think that person is friendly but dim, competent but not trustworthy, etc.
When we meet someone, we immediately ‘scan’ them and our caveman brain decides what we think about that person:
1. Is she/he Friendly?
2. Do I think he/she is Intelligent?
3. How Likeable is this person?
4. Does he/she seem Competent?
5. How Trustworthy is she/he?
We make these judgments in a snap – that’s why they’re called thin-slice judgments. And once we form an emotive-based opinion, we then engage our logical brain to come up with ‘valid’ reasons as to why we think that person is friendly but dim, competent but not trustworthy, etc.
Now let’s look at this example. How likable is she? She is in a healthcare uniform – but that would lead us to believe that she’s competent and possibly intelligent – not necessarily likable.
What is she doing right that you can do, too? If people have already decided to dislike you, can you change their minds? Of course you can – but it takes a little effort.
Here are five easy tips you can do immediately to be more likable at work:
1. Smile. Simple, simple, simple. Don’t be fake, but just put a smile on your face. Some tricks to improve your smile:
√ We can spot a forced smile because the mouth doesn’t turn upward and the smile is lop-sided. Take a picture of yourself “fake smiling” and “real smiling” and see if you can spot the difference.
√ Be aware of your “fake smiling” – do you do it a lot to cover up what you’re feeling or to feign interest? If so, practice letting your face relax before you smile.
2. Think ‘Friendly’ or other similar words in your mental headline. Notice when you’re being dour or negative and literally turn your energy around to positive.
If your ‘positive friendly energy’ was a dial on a console – imagine what you’d be right now and turn it up two notches – people like positive people!
3. Make an effort to listen. People like to talk about themselves. Ask questions and be interested – don’t just act interested.
Stop thinking about your own stories or what you are going to say next… just listen with real interest and ask questions. Sometimes it’s as simple as repeating their last few words as a question to get them to keep talking. At the end, they come away thinking ‘Wow, she’s so nice!!’
4. Do an ‘annoyance audit’. Step outside yourself – like you were watching yourself from a bank camera view – and think ‘What do I do that could annoy my colleagues or co-workers?’
Go through the senses:
√ SIGHT (Is your desk messy? How’s your eye contact?);
√ SOUND (Do you talk loudly in phone calls in an open plan environment? Is your iPod audible to others when you’re listening to music?);
√ SMELL (Do you wear a lot of perfume/cologne? Do you shower regularly? Do you eat food that smells or gives you body odor?);
√ TOUCH (Are you a hug-bomber who touches too much? Are you aware of other’s personal space and make sure you don’t get too close?);
√ TASTE (How’d those onions taste at lunch? And do you think your co-workers are appreciating your lunch selection now?)
5. Act likable. Sort of like ‘fake it until you make it’ – think about the people that you like and why?
What is it that you like about them? Be specific (I like that he offers to get me coffee when he’s going to the machine. I like that she remembered my birthday. I like that he goes into a conference room to have meetings.) And then emulate those things.
Being likable isn’t rocket science – but it does require effort if you’re not a natural extravert.
So increase your awareness, turn up your smile and positive energy, and see how being likable can make your workplace happier, make you happier, and even help you get a better review next year.
What is she doing right that you can do, too? If people have already decided to dislike you, can you change their minds? Of course you can – but it takes a little effort.
Here are five easy tips you can do immediately to be more likable at work:
1. Smile. Simple, simple, simple. Don’t be fake, but just put a smile on your face. Some tricks to improve your smile:
√ We can spot a forced smile because the mouth doesn’t turn upward and the smile is lop-sided. Take a picture of yourself “fake smiling” and “real smiling” and see if you can spot the difference.
√ Be aware of your “fake smiling” – do you do it a lot to cover up what you’re feeling or to feign interest? If so, practice letting your face relax before you smile.
2. Think ‘Friendly’ or other similar words in your mental headline. Notice when you’re being dour or negative and literally turn your energy around to positive.
If your ‘positive friendly energy’ was a dial on a console – imagine what you’d be right now and turn it up two notches – people like positive people!
3. Make an effort to listen. People like to talk about themselves. Ask questions and be interested – don’t just act interested.
Stop thinking about your own stories or what you are going to say next… just listen with real interest and ask questions. Sometimes it’s as simple as repeating their last few words as a question to get them to keep talking. At the end, they come away thinking ‘Wow, she’s so nice!!’
4. Do an ‘annoyance audit’. Step outside yourself – like you were watching yourself from a bank camera view – and think ‘What do I do that could annoy my colleagues or co-workers?’
Go through the senses:
√ SIGHT (Is your desk messy? How’s your eye contact?);
√ SOUND (Do you talk loudly in phone calls in an open plan environment? Is your iPod audible to others when you’re listening to music?);
√ SMELL (Do you wear a lot of perfume/cologne? Do you shower regularly? Do you eat food that smells or gives you body odor?);
√ TOUCH (Are you a hug-bomber who touches too much? Are you aware of other’s personal space and make sure you don’t get too close?);
√ TASTE (How’d those onions taste at lunch? And do you think your co-workers are appreciating your lunch selection now?)
5. Act likable. Sort of like ‘fake it until you make it’ – think about the people that you like and why?
What is it that you like about them? Be specific (I like that he offers to get me coffee when he’s going to the machine. I like that she remembered my birthday. I like that he goes into a conference room to have meetings.) And then emulate those things.
Being likable isn’t rocket science – but it does require effort if you’re not a natural extravert.
So increase your awareness, turn up your smile and positive energy, and see how being likable can make your workplace happier, make you happier, and even help you get a better review next year.
